you know i'm such a fool for you,

well, this is over.

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 00:16:50 GMT

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 00:09:37 GMT

you should know that my arm is healing up well.
salt, hydrogen peroxide, ibuprofen, bandages.

and yet i wonder endlessly, "why was it different? and what was it about me that was apparently just so fucking unloveable?"

i'm so perplexed.

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 06:59:46 GMT

I'm undecided about you again
Mightn't be right that you're not here
It's double-sided, cause I ruined it all
-But also saved myself, by never believing you, Dear.

Everything good, I deem too good to be true
Everything else is just a bore
Everything I have to look forward to
Has a pretty painful and very imposing before.

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 05:24:33 GMT

you think you're secretive, but you're just stupid. it's interesting how i can give up so many things to keep you happy, or atleast not sad. you can't do that for anyone, can you?

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 17:47:02 GMT

"the world is changed because
you are made of ivory and gold.
the curves of your lips rewrite history."

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 10:44:00 GMT

new lj soon. i'm just so sick of looking at this crap. i'm just so sick of making myself sick.

my lj icon is me and adrian in a a mirror in lili's hallway in sf. haight st. that was the night i had a pot brownie and almost died.

also, i wouldn't say i'm very sober right now. yeah, not at all.

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 01:37:29 GMT

oh dear god, life is absurd sometimes.

understand the symbolism.

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 18:31:31 GMT

the mighty continents divided
for a second time in all history
they found themselves just floating
free from all responsibility
without the weight of being whole...

Now here's an apple with a tougher skin;
well you've got your pretty scales and fins.

you say,
"see all the things that i can do
so perfectly my body grew."
but in
all the time you felt so free
did you forget how much you once "loved" me?

and if you want something back,
all the things that got cracked
when i felt like you lied to me.

and all the million mistakes,
and the kicks in the face,
but i don't want you to die in me.

so when you say what you want,
that you need what you got,
don't forget to be kind to me.

i don't want you to die in me.

stupid poetry, excellent news:

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 22:33:07 GMT

i would love to know i held you-
for an instant,
as hard as you held me-
for a moment.

but what is an instant?
it's a fraction of a fraction
of an almost moment,
of an almost second,
and a second is a fraction of a minute,

a fraction of a day's time,
of a year's time,
of my lifetime,
and mostly useless.

so when my life is done
where is your usefulness?

i'm probably going to start wearing a lot of miniskirts after i get my leg piece done. and probably bleach my hair a lot. scoreeeee. but seriously, you guys.

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 02:05:25 GMT

"I certainly haven't been shopping for any new shoes
and
I certainly haven't been spreading myself around
I still only travel by foot and by foot, it's a slow climb,
But I'm good at being uncomfortable, so
I can't stop changing all the time.

I notice that my opponent is always on the go
and
Won't go slow, so's not to focus, and I notice
He'll hitch a ride with any guide, as long as
They go fast from whence he came
But he's no good at being uncomfortable, so
He can't stop staying exactly the same.

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me

Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine."

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 23:58:14 GMT

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 21:48:01 GMT

i drifted along,
unaware of what i lay upon.
you wanted to get over it fast,
i wanted to stay just past.

i need to convince myself i don't care,
and i know i'm not wrong.
i need you to know i almost don't care,
but because i've cared so long...

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 00:50:49 GMT

it's like you don't even feel guilty at all for all of the times you've lied to me, and the people you shocked this weekend. get it into you head that when you don't tell people the truth it makes them feel absolutely worthless. i don't really know if i can deal with this, and i'm not really sure there's any more chances in this bag for you.

and yeah, i tore your shirt into a million pieces. i was the one who bought it, and you wore it maybe once in the past year. compulsive liars deserve to get their shit fucked up. you're lucky i didn't smash your guitar into a million little pieces. thanks.

in other news, chad is amazing and is coming to visit me and "take care" of me tonight because i'm really sick. he just doesn't stop surprising me with how much he goes out of his way to express to me that he cares about me. it's a really great feeling, and i feel so lucky too.

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 00:55:04 GMT

i know that things will work out fine, no matter where i go or who i'm with. god will take care of me, of you, or whoever. i know that as bad as i feel about the way things have worked out i'm happy with the way i can see them forming ahead of me.

friends, i don't want to lose you to anger or bitterness. but if i do then you were never a friend.

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 23:04:15 GMT

remind me to never talk to another male in my entire life. chase is a fucking two faced asshole who has trouble telling the truth, even when you look him in the eyes and ask him for it. i'm moving out of this fucking house asap. it's just too bad... i like evan as a roomate a lot, i just don't really see myself ever talking to chase again. robbie acted like i was this secret who would ruin his social life if i was discovered, now he's denying it even though he's probably scowling at the fact i just wrote about it. sorry all of your little girlfriends have to be dissappointed for a minute.

with that said, atleast i have my own room now.

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 18:36:42 GMT

hahahahaha.

yeah, a couple of us got arrested. but it was still so much fun.

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 00:30:50 GMT

oh, hey, this girl gave me an incredible three minute lap dance last night. i rule at life.

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 22:28:27 GMT

literally spent all night taking care of people, but still had fun. i took care of phil and jess for awhile, then dillon called me and needed me to go find them to carry kayla home. so i walk for a really long time and i'm one block away from him and call him on the phone to tell him i'm almost there and as i'm crossing the street to where they are a police car passes me. i get this terrible feeling and cannot find them. i spend the next hour wandering and looking for them, hoping that he was just unaware of where they were, but i can't find them anywhere. so i call jess and have chad come to help me look for them, spend awhile waiting for him, but he never comes. i walk home barefoot with all of these guys in cars pulling over and asking me to go party with them. my feet are bleeding and i get into the apartment to find chad passed out, phil passed out, and jess like unconcious. i try to tell them that i couldn't find dillon and kayla, but they wouldn't respond. i was pretty positive they got arrested and i couldn't do anything about it.

five in the morning we get a call and dillon and kayla need us to come get them from jail. so amazing, they spent all night in there. dillon had been dressed as a ballerina in a blue tutu. he talked to some guy in his cell about why he was in there and all the guy said was, "man, straight up... i thought you were in here for male prostitution."

amazing. so the elevators in here are broken and i have to run down 7 flights of stairs and through a bunch of glass and rotten apples outside to pay their cab fare. i thought it would be twenty dollars at the most but i brought down all i had, which was $22. their cab fare was $22.20.

yeah, amazing.

anyway, i'm just glad everyone is safe. we got into a fight with some guys at this girl natasha's party. their were psychotic people everywhere and i didn't get attacked... so great.

i love my life and my friends.

oh yeah, and i dressed up like a cowgirl. i thought i looked dumb but everyone i came into contact with said i looked pretty hot. so i guess i win. great pictures will come soon.

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 18:04:51 GMT

people are really not taking the whole "humans don't have instincts" thing very well. so i'd just like to say, if you really think that humans have instincts; do something about it. because this is what i'm being taught in classes at Cabrillo College, this is what is written in textbooks, and this is what scientists stand by. it's been scientifically proven and is therefore considered a fact until proven otherwise. debating it with me isn't going to change what is currently considered factual, or what students are reading and being taught in their science classes.

with that said, i'm going to sf this weekend. it will hopefully be amazing and all that junk. hopefully be seeing jess and kayla. definitely going to have a lot of fun.

also, it has finally been made clear to me that hardcore music makes some people way more dumb than they already are. cool. nobody drink too much, snort too much, or shoot up too much this weekend... thank you.

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 07:01:32 GMT

it's really true. you can only be satisfied in a relationship with another person when you are fully satisfied with yourself. oh, patience.

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 18:05:43 GMT

"instincts are genetically inherited, complex patterns of behavior that always appear among memebers of a particular species under appropriate enviromental conditions. although nonhuman animals are heavily hardwired for action through instincts, human infants cannot go very far on the basis of their genetic heritage alone. they lack immediate and automatic solutions to the problems they face. and later, without instincts to determine the type of shelter to build, the type of food to eat, the time of year to have children, or the type of mating to follow, humans are forced to create and learn their own ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving. that is, humans are forced to rely of the culture they have created- even for such basic needs as eating and reproducing.

if humans were controlled by instincts, they would all behave in the same way. if, for example, women had an instinct for mothering, then all women would want children, and all woment would love and protect their children. in fact, some women do not want to have children, and some women who give birth abuse or abandon, or kill their children."

"in addition, humans have reflexes- simple, biologically inherited, automatic reactions to physical stimuli. a human baby, for example, cries when pinched; its eyes blink in repsonse to a foreign particle; and the pupils of its eyes contract in bright light. humans also have biologically inherited drives, or impulses, to reduce disconfort. they want to eat, drink, sleep, associate with others, and have sexual relations."

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 01:22:23 GMT

it feels like winter. let's cuddle and watch "a muppets christmas carol".

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 19:13:05 GMT

Mon, 24 Oct 2005 16:24:00 GMT

we cannot imagine something that does not exist. it's just impossible. it's been said that the native americans probably didn't prepare themselves for battle against the spanish because they didn't even see the ships in their bay. they'd never imagined that their were white people from another place that could come in huge ships to take away their land. when you think about it, it's hard to come up with the idea that there is other "countries" or "different" people when all you've known is where you are and who you're with. there's no way to be prepared for what you don't know, and there's no way to come up with a completely new idea if you've never experienced a part of it. sound, touch, feeling, emotion, sight, etc.

so if something "bigger than us" isn't there, why i can feel it?

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 22:53:12 GMT

trying to decide between my neck and my left wrist. it would be kind of nice to have my wrists balanced, and i can't afford to do both my wrist and my neck today. i can't really afford to do one. gah, what i really want is to do my leg piece, but that will cost $2834720. we'll see.

my brother is sophmore homecoming prince. so great.